Desde el futón: Historias del inframundo futbolero

Bien amigos, a pedido de una manga de trasnochados que no tiene nada mejor que hacer, arrancamos una serie de post (que por ahora sólo tiene uno) donde encontrarán historias, leyendas, cataratas de insultos viejos y a estrenar contra lo que sea y muchas cosas más que sólo a una mente enferma puede interesarle. ¿Me acompañan?

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– TheGM –

Ambrosio “Cornetita” Gutiérrez, el payaso del fondo

Cuando hablamos de fútbol amateur indudablemente nos referimos al lugar preciso donde se ve la verdadera pasión. Esporádicamente, el noble deporte se viste de gala para recibir entre sus participantes a auténticos genios de la caprichosa. Este no es el caso de Ambrosio, quien debió morir al nacer o ser cedido por su madre para algún experimento genético LO MISMO QUE LOS MALPARIDOS DE ZOOMOZA, SILVA Y ACOSTA QUE TENDRÍAN QUE SERVIR COMO FERTILIZANTE PARA TERRAFORMAR EL PLANETA MARTE.

Nacido en el humildísimo barrio de Villa Sarna, Ambrosio es el sexto hijo de un desocupado serial y fue criado en la miseria más espantosa. El sueño de su padre era ser futbolista profesional, pero vio trunco el mismo cuando al probarse en el club TSINCA (That Spot Is Not Cleared Anymore) le detectaron seborrea crónica y viste cómo son de topus ahí: que a los jugadores les da cosita al bañarse, que capaz es contagioso, que mirá si me voy a ir teniendo ventaja deportiva. Bueno eso.

La cosa es que el enfermo del padre le quemó el marulo al pibe para que obtenga lo que él no pudo, ojo, no lo juzgo, yo hago lo mismo, para eso somos padres, para transmitir toda nuestra frustración a la siguiente generación. A tal punto, que la familia pasó hambre con tal que Ambrosio pudiese desarrollar algo de talento que le permita triunfar en el deporte del balompié. Siempre recuerda Ambosio aquella noche cuando cumplió 6 añitos, en la que recibió envuelto en una revista ESTO un ladrillo que iba a ser la cena familiar pero que sin embargo le permitió hacer sus primeros jueguitos, sus primeros “cabeza a cabeza”.

01

Pero Ambrosio tenía una fantasía oculta, algo que no había tenido el valor de revelárselo a nadie por temor a ser segregado, vilipendiado, incinerado y morfado en el almuerzo: Ambrosio quería ser payaso. Amaba vestir con colores estridentes y pintarrajarse la jeta ¿y quién no?

Con el correr de los años comenzó a destacarse como un fiero central, FIERÍSIMO para ser más precisos, porque se había tomado la costumbre de entrar a la cancha todo pintarrajeado y digamos que la napia con forma de palta, el ojo virolo y el comedor con ausencia de algunos muebles no lo favorecían en nada. Sin embargo, nada de esto impidió que el Club Prepucio Enricotado le extienda su primer contrato y nadie parecía reparar en el aspecto circense de nuestro héroe, quizá porque en el ascenso aún existe algo que no abunda en éstos días: TO-LE-RAN-CIA.

02

La alegría y la comida sin gérmenes llegaba por primera vez a la familia, pero Ambrosio no era libre de festejar, en su pecho apretaba el secreto guardado por años a tal punto que decidió que no soportaría un minuto más el engaño, a partir del próximo cotejo daría libertad a su verdadero yo. Ahí el inicio del fin.

El siguiente sábado Prepucio recibía a Esportivo Flora Intestinal (ambos punteros) por un lugar en el ascenso a la chorrogésima división de nuestro fútbol, el estadio lleno, las hinchadas encendidas, las pulsaciones a mil… y el salame éste tratando de salir del placard, en fin.

Como en cada partido donde la expectativa es grande se vió un embole de proporciones hasta los 35 del PT donde ocurrió la debacle: el wing de Flora se manda una corrida memorable y revolea el cuero al área donde el centro delantero aguardaba para cabecear el centro, meter el gol, gritarlo como desaforado, mirar a la hinchada rival mientras se llevaba las manos a sus genitales… pero nada de eso ocurrió. Cuando el 9 rival se disponía a pegar el salto triunfal, nuestro Ambrosio se para frente a él y le mete un cachetazo de mano abierta que retumbó en todo estadio, acto seguido sacó una cornetita y comenzó a hacerla sonar al ritmo de la lambada ante el asombro y la sorpresa de los presentes. El 9 de Flora, el inolvidable “Stronzo” Carrascosa, sólo atina a tomarlo del cuello. Ambrosio toma nuevamente por sorpresa a su agresor arrojándole jugo cincomentario de naranja desde la flor que tenía pegada al escudo en su pecho; cuando los compañeros del 9 se abalanzan sobre él, Cornetita les extiende la diestra en una demostración de arrepentimiento y caballerosidad digna de un partido de rugby, pero resulta que el muy loco tenía en su palma un cable laaaargo pelado conectado a 220 que desata el baile del epiléptico.

Por supuesto meses de sanción, quita de puntos a Chaca, un legajo ASÍ del sorongo del referí en contra de nuestro héroe, la barra que arranca con pintadas amenazantes para terminar secuestrando a la mascota de la familia (una rata sin pedigree) y hacer empanadas salteñas con ella.

Cornetita abandona la práctica del balón y se une al “circo ambulante de los hermanos lascivos” donde conoce el amor a través de la mujer del culo peludo y la felicidad en la mirada alegre de los niños que presencian su arte. Durante algunos años cree hallar placidez en su vida, pero como todos saben, este mundo es una mierda y una noche encuentra a su amada revolcándose con tres de los enanos (el negro, el chino y el alto).

Desde esa fatídica noche, nada fue igual para Ambrosio a quien todos decían que había madurado, ahora era Corneta.

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374 comentarios en “Desde el futón: Historias del inframundo futbolero

  1. Entre tantos comentarios hilarantes rescato el “que mirá si me voy a ir teniendo ventaja deportiva”

    Yosapa, te quieren hablan Fleco y Male sobre el abuso de sustancias

    Me gusta

  2. “Siempre recuerda Ambosio aquella noche cuando cumplió 6 añitos, en la que recibió envuelto en una revista ESTO un ladrillo que iba a ser la cena familiar pero que sin embargo le permitió hacer sus primeros jueguitos, sus primeros “cabeza a cabeza”.”

    Que genialidad… Estalle y todos aca se me quedaron mirando..

    Me gusta

  3. Me gustó mucho el detalle de que el insulto a Zoomoza está de entrada, cosa que cuando uno lee no esté esperando que aparezca y asi distraerse del texto…

    Me gusta

  4. el sapa nos empluma con su galana
    muy bueno loquibambi, esta historia me la conto un loco de esos que vive en unagranjita y vende alfajorcitos de maicena en el roca , asi que asumo que debe ser cierta

    Me gusta

  5. Lo dije en otro lado y lo repito: un par de posts en este nivel y ya tenemos el Shabadoo de La Refunda. Tomá Impedimento, tomá Vale Chumbar, para vó papi…

    (?)

    Me gusta

  6. El yosapa puso los numeritos en los comentarios, hace un postazo y encima te coloca una publicidad de “Futón diseño italiano” (!)

    Me gusta

  7. ¡Payaso, Payaso, Payaso corazón, acá tenés los pibes para la jubilación! (?).

    Me asombra la capacidad para crear esos nombres.
    Aguante todo.

    Me gusta

  8. acto seguido sacó una cornetita y comenzó a hacerla sonar al ritmo de la lambada

    la barra que arranca con pintadas amenazantes para terminar secuestrando a la mascota de la familia (una rata sin pedigree)

    Estoy llorando de nuevo, hijo de puta…Encima es re gráfico (?), me lo imaginé al moncho con la cornetita ahi…Hasta el adsense lo ama

    Me gusta

  9. buenas tardes

    recibí un mensaje a mi pager avisando que me publicaron el escrito y estaban todos agradeciendo. Inevitablemente cabe la pregunta: ESTAN TODOS EN PEDO? (?)

    eso sí, gracias a todos, no lo merezco

    (?)

    Me gusta

  10. Dejen esto como ultimo post y abran otra pagina. Que a ningun hijo de puta proyecto de cagatintas se le ocurra postear algo después de esto. Lo de Roman contra el Madrid en Japón es una bobada al lado de la pluma de este señor. Le pertenezco.

    Me gusta

  11. increíble la recepción que tuvo, GRACIAS gente, de veritas

    tenía pensado escribir algo más, pero ahora NI EN PEDO LO HAGO, prefiero retirarme así

    (?)

    Me gusta

  12. Impresionante, vine leyendo, leyendo, tratando de que la carcajada no estalle y va y me caga con lo del enano alto. ME ATRAGANTÉ CON UN VASO DE AGUA lpmqlp!

    Más que mágico

    Don Yosapa, ahora no nos puede dejar así! Tiene que superarse a si mismo, la vara quedó demasiado alta para cualquiera!!

    Me gusta

  13. Pará pará pará (modo Fantino /off) vos me estás diciendo que el Yosapa se retira hoy mismo? Se convierte en un one hit wonder? Se transforma en el Matías Arce del Boca de Bianchi (?)?

    TRISTEZA

    Me gusta

  14. muy pero muy bueno, igual mi sentido del humor es pesimo, asi que(?)
    de la mano del enzo si o si proximo dt de yiber carrasco, suna fija, ojala pueda apostar estas cosas en la internet(?)

    Me gusta

  15. Ondarru: Giselle Illuzzi ‏@giselleilluzzi 15 minHace 15 minutos
    Confirma el dc Pagano de #NuevaChicago que lamentablemente #ChristianGomez tiene Rotura de ligamento cruzado (recuperación 6meses aprox).
    Y acá lo tiran en El Programa De Lavecchia.

    Me gusta

  16. #63 que golazo ese de matias!! se lo come todo el arquero!! ultimo partido de palermo( se iba a villareal) y no saludo a la gente como yo esperaba debe ser que le ganamos a estudiantes y se bajoneo(?), salimos campeones y casi ni festejo martin… a mi me parecio bien que roman no lo haya saludado en el festejo de ese famoso gol… CRAK ROMAN!!!

    Me gusta

  17. Extremo, mandame una carta y desde la Fundación Evita te lo estamos enviando. No te olvides de poner la dirección y el código postal (?)

    Me gusta

  18. che Kakha, sabes contar? de qué cuentoS hablás? y no se te ocurrió que no puedo comentar porque se me ocurrió la maldita idea (?) de darle vacaciones a algunas personas y estoy laburando como loco?

    Me gusta

  19. bueno, todo bien (?). lo de los comentarios lo puse solamente para no quedar tan ortiba y decir que no me gusto el cuento. pero bueno, buena onda que lo publicaste (?)

    Me gusta

  20. Montonero Kakha, mandé mail sobre la vuelta de la verdadera refundación (no esta página de mierda (?)). Espero tu confirmación así te fracturo la gamba lesionada contamos como uno de los que viene a jugar al fútbol.

    Me gusta

  21. Antes de leer, quiero celebrar el espacio donde la MUERTE sea lo primordial, el camino conveniente a seguir por la bandada de esquizofrénicos que encierran un planeta en su ombligo.

    SALUD Y MUERTE!!!

    Me gusta

  22. Lo fantástico es que esto no tiene la absoluta pretensión de nada. No es una historia, no es un cuento, no es una reseña, NO ES NADA. Es un simple viaje lisérgico que te hace reír a carcajadas, aunque no termines de entender porqué.

    Sólo voy a decir que es una mierda, porque todos están diciendo que es genial y yo soy de Vélez (?), pero la verdad que es GLORIOSO. Imposible no imaginarse una cena familiar inmunda de esa familia, al estilo, no sé Natural Born Killers, o Matilda (?).

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  23. Se viene la Argentina Cup con los cruces mas delirantes(?) de la historia:

    Independiente – Alianza de Coronel Moldes
    San Lorenzo – Viale de Entre Rios
    River Plate – Liniers de Bahía Blanca
    Racing Club – ganador de Racing Olavarría/Independiente de Neuquen
    Velez – La Emilia

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  24. Hoy es un buen día.

    Trajimos laterales para remplazar a los 2 subnormales que teníamos y el payaso escribe esto que no sé lo que es pero es gracioso.

    Salud.

    Me gusta

  25. Me gusta mucho que en esta copa los equipos de la A entren en 32avos y no como en la anterior. Para ser perfecta solo falta que los grandes vayan a jugar a las canchas de esos cuadros desgraciados de mierda

    Me gusta

  26. Que cagada ser de Platense Andino de la Rioja esperar toda la vida una oportunidad como esta para jugar contra un equipo de primera y te toca Despensa .

    Me gusta

  27. Ahora que en vez de 38 fechas son 30, supongo que esta copa va a tener mas importancia que las anteriores y no tendran problemas para poner el grueso de una fase todos juntos entresemana.

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  28. La Emilia 20★ ‏@laemiliaprimero ahora
    #CopaArgentina 32avos DE FINAL
    #LaEmilia vs. #Velez
    QUEREMOS LA COPAAAAA!!!

    Te va a ferrear la panadería La Emilia (?), Vélez

    Me gusta

  29. “Para eso somos padres, para pasar nuestras frustraciones a la siguiente generación”. Que no se pierda esta joya, entre toda la pedrería!

    Me gusta

  30. Mirá, hemos quedado afuera con: suplentes de Central, suplentes de Olimpo, Estudiantes de Caseros… es como que año a año nos fuimos rebajando más (y eso que no cuento a Nacional de Paraguay y Ponte Preta). Así que ni en pedo me animo a subestimar a La Emilia Disi (?).

    Me gusta

  31. Primero que nada, me sumo al grupo de loas al YOSAP, que nos da esta obra magistral de la lisergia futbolera. Ambrosio para mi que es Zoomoza. (?)
    Por varias ediciones más. :salud:

    Segundo, ARGENCUP:

    Nueva Chicago – Defensores de Villa Ramallo
    Defensa y Justicia – Andino de La Rioja
    Gimnasia La Plata – Altos Hornos Zapla
    Banfield – Sol de América de Formosa
    Velez – La Emilia
    Racing Club – Ganador de Racing Olavarría/Independiente de Neuquen (22-02)
    San Lorenzo – Viale de Entre Rios
    Boca Juniors – Huracán Las Heras
    Independiente – Alianza de Coronel Moldes
    River Plate – Liniers de Bahía Blanca
    Argentinos Juniors – San Martin de Tucumán
    Quilmes – Sportivo Belgrano
    Lanus – Atlético Tucumán
    Huracán – Independiente de Mendoza
    Arsenal – Guaraní Antonio Franco
    Estudiantes (LP) – Santamarina
    Belgrano de Cordoba – Instituto de Córdoba
    Unión de Santa Fe – Metropolitano 4
    Sarmiento – Metropolitano 5
    San Martin de San Juan – Metropolitano 11
    Olimpo – Metropolitano 2
    Godoy Cruz – Metropolitano 7
    Crucero del Norte – Metropolitano 1
    Colon – Metropolitano 9
    Atletico de Rafaela – Metropolitano 8
    Aldosivi – Metropolitano 10
    Rosario Central – Metropolitano 6
    Newell’s – Metropolitano 3
    All Boys – Douglas Haig
    Ferro Carril Oeste – Boca Unidos
    Tigre – Gimnasia de Jujuy
    Temperley – Patronato

    http://www.ascensodelinterior.com.ar/noticias/11712/los-cruces-de-los-32avos.-de-final-de-la-copa-2014-2015./

    En la semana tiene que salir post de esto.

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  32. Ah, si, del post anterior, primero gran post Jack.

    Segundo, desaparición lenta y dolorosa a Agrogarcuario y Carroñeros, digo Agropecuario y Camioneros. Y ya que estamos a Randazzo FC (Independiente de Chivilcoy) también.

    Pensar que hace dos años el mío (Villa Belgrano) estaba jugando con Villa Triste. Si no fuera por ese minuto final en Chivilcoy contra Randazzo FC… Que mierda que es la vida.

    Me gusta

  33. Veo los clubes que clasificaron de la parte “interior” y es notable cómo ni Taiere ni los ganadores del transición del TFA figuran, de hecho de los clasificados hay más equipos del TFB. (!)

    Me gusta

  34. Talleres se quedo afuera contra Alumni, el 2do partido de la era Hoyos….fue la unica vez en la historia del futbol mundial que una hinchada abucheo a su propio arquero en una definicion por penales (Lerda). Encima habiamos quedados eliminados 3 semanas antes de la Copa Argentina 2014. Muy Talleres todo….

    mandaron a los bolis con puto…mas fácil imposible.

    Me gusta

  35. Gran post loco, un estallo
    ¿Jugamos contra el globo de la heras? ¿que es eso? Espero que no aparezca uno como Carpintero y se lo empome a Erbes o similar como hace unos años.

    Me gusta

  36. SAPA, muy bueno el relato y para cagarse de risa, aunque debo coincidir con mi coterráneo Branca que le faltaron los (?), sino uno no sabe qué es real o no (?)
    PD: Mirá vos por donde me vengo porqué del gusto característico de las empanadas salteñas(?)

    Me gusta

  37. De no creer…

    AÑOS de La Redó… y nunca el SAPA puso un post.

    MENOS DE UN MES de la Refunda, y manda un post repleto de gloria que la deja al borde del cierre porque es casi imposible que alguien pueda superar ésto…

    IMPRESIONANTE (?)

    Me gusta

  38. jugo cincomentario de naranja, lo dejó ciego, por eso es gracioso (?)
    me encantó la precuela del yosap, tiene toda la épica y sin usar un solo enano en toda la historia, felicitaciones!

    Me gusta

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